I am so dam scared all of a sudden, uncertain about so much in my art business, in my proposed marriage, and in the direction of my art.
Especially the proposed marriage part. Did you notice that handsome man in my last blog post? I am going to marry him.
ACH! Did I really say
that? I am 65 and I'm getting married?! Why?!
I don't need the financial security. I don't need the social acceptance. I'm terrified of losing my hard won independence. I love
making my own decisions without interference from some one else. I love having the house to myself, eating when I'm hungry (or not), thinking my own thoughts through without interruption. Answering to no one but God. Having quiet time whenever I choose.
So why am I getting married?
Well....there's this man, this warm hearted, intelligent, creative, hardworking, resilient man who loves me dearly. Some one I can laugh with, share my innermost thoughts with, praise God with. Someone who knows my history and loves me anyway. Some one who knows my faults and still thinks I'm wonderful. Who shares my values. Some one I can open to fully and know he will never hurt me deliberately, that he will be careful and responsive to me. Willing to face the hard questions life delivers, who will not shy away from the difficult conversations. A true hearted man who will be there for me.
So why the panic?
I am terrified of losing my hard won independence.